I Must Be Crazy

Sometimes I wonder how I got here. Some days I turn around, look back at my life, and think: oh my word- what have I done?!"

Not in an existential "what is the meaning of my life'" way either. This is straight up, deer in the headlights "What did I get myself into?"

You know what I mean? In a crucial moment, God spoke, and you jumped. And then you land and realize where you are. Oh. my. word.

That's sort of how I feel about the last year. Its amazing, its wonderful to be here, helping people in the farthest corners of the world meet my amazing Jesus, while doing the ministry I love. And while my eyes are firmly fixed on Jesus, I have no doubts. But somedays, I don't do so well at that. Instead of looking at things through God's perspective, I start looking at things through a "culutral expectations perspective". You know- job this, house that, married, 2.5 kids and a dog living inside a white picket fence etc. Like Peter when he tried to walk on water, taking my eyes off Jesus results in immediate sinking. Sinking into thoughts of "oh my word I must be totally insane."

Abraham felt that way once. (well, probably a lot more than once, but its recorded at least once- in Genesis 15). His nephew Lot got taken prisoner  when these five kings attacked these other four kings in Abraham's general area. So Abraham (well, he was still Abram at this point in the story) rounded up a couple of buddies and chased the armies of all five kings until he recovered all the loot and prisoners they had taken from the cities near where Lot lived.

Abram and company hauled it all back, along the way he gave a tithe of it to Melchizadeck. He then got at interesting offer from the king of Sodom (one of the sacked cities). "Give back the people and you can keep all the money." But Abram didn't take it. Not even "a thread or a shoe lace."

It was one of those moments. Those big deciding moments, where you just know what God wants and you jump and do it without thinking about it very much.

Then Abram, being human and all, starts realizing all the implications of what just happened. I think he must have been a little freaked. He had just seriously ticked off at least 5 kings in his area. Possibly all 9 depending on how offended the king of Sodom was after Abram's little speech at the end of chapter 14. That could be quite intimidating- having as many 9 kings ticked off at you. Additionally, he had just turned down the wealth of roughly 4 cities. Yikes. That's a lot of money no matter when you live.

I can't help but think that Abram must've been having one of those "I must be crazy" moments.

And I love what God says. He comes to Abram and says "Fear not, Abram, I am your shield and your very great reward."

I love that. God is security in the moment, and the prize, the goal towards which all moments (even/especially the crazy ones) are heading His children. He is the best reward. After all, every good thing comes from Him. He is the source of everything good. And knowing Him, experiencing His complete goodness day after day, well that requires obedience that yes, looks (and depending on your perspective may actually be) quite crazy.

So am I crazy? Probably. But that's so much more than okay. God is my shield, and my very great reward."