When God Says "No"

"No, don't eat those, buddy!"

Working with preschoolers, I end up saying "no" a lot.

Sometimes it's things you might expect (If I had a nickel for every time I say "No, don't put that in your mouth"...).

Sometimes its a little weird - "No, don't eat your foot, buddy. That's gross."

Sometimes it's downright hilarious. To date  the best one is "No- we don't hit our friends over the head with a lawnmower!" Don't worry- it was plastic, and no one was seriously injured. Except I might have cracked a rib trying not to laugh because that really just came out of my mouth.

But regardless of the subject matter "no" is never a popular answer with the kiddos. And I can understand that. I mean, are grown-ups really any better? Oh we make it sound nicer. But are we really, truly, any better at hearing "no" ?

A couple summers ago, on a sticky, starry August night, I was sitting on the church curb with a friend. All summer I'd been praying desperately for God to bring in the support I needed, and this sweet new believer had prayed right along with me. But this night it was clear: the support was not coming, and it wouldn't be coming for a long time. "Wow," she said, "What do you do when you pray so hard for something good, and God says no?"

It's a profound question. Like many profound questions, it boils down to a simple choice between two views of God. #1 God is mean and picky - I must not have prayed right or He must be mad at me or He doesn't really love me, or , or or. #2 God is who and what He says He is: good and wise and sovereign and loving- even when I didn't get what I wanted.

After all, getting what you want is not necessarily a good thing.

Like in the garden of Eden. Adam and Eve really wanted the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  But if you stop and think about it.... didn't they already know about good? They lived in a perfect garden, had perfect relationships and God literally walked with them every day. Surely, if ever two humans have had a knowledge of good, it was Adam and Eve. But they wanted more: they wanted to decide for themselves what was good, and what was evil. They decided God was being unreasonable and so, they ate to gain, not just knowledge of good, but knowledge of evil.  Oh boy, did they get what they wanted. Thousands of years later, Adam's children are still discovering new breadths and depths of evil.

Like Adam and Eve, I can ignore the loving wisdom of God's "no". It's tempting, SO tempting to ignore God's no and pursue that job, that guy, that money, or that place. Either by a horrible attitude, or by taking matters into my own hands I can try to get to what I want. Sometimes God lets me get around His roadblocks and get what I want. CS Lewis put it this way- "But those who steal, or those who climb (the) wall, shall find their heart's desire, and find despair."

I have prayed for many, many things. And many times, God has graciously given me what I asked for. Even above and beyond. But I have become convinced that God's love and wisdom are rarely so evident as when He says, "No."

One Year Later: Remembering

Memorial Day weekend. 

I was in Philadelphia, nearly a year into Partnership Development. Things were going.... slowly; and it was more than a little discouraging. 

You see, there's a rule that stateside staff with NTM is supposed to be at 60% before they can come on staff. And you have to hold steady at 60% before it will be considered official. It makes sense, but being at only 35% in May meant that I wasn't going to be able to return and teach the kiddos at the missionary training center in the fall. Again. 

On top of that, we had a family reunion. In Branson, Missouri- SO close to the training center.  And Memorial day weekend was graduation weekend - the last of the kiddos I had taught were graduating and leaving, and I wouldn't get to see them again. So even though I was excited for the family reunion (we only all can get together approximately every 10 years), I was totally dreading the weekend. My community group at church was praying extra for my contentment to survive going so close, and yet being so far from the ministry God had laid on my heart. Well, either contentment or my own person miracle- getting to go back after all. But even with that I couldn't help feeling, this weekend is going to suck. 

Friday morning. My sister's at work. 30 minutes till I need to pick her up to leave. I'm packing the minute stuff and praying like crazy to be able to focus on the positive when my phone rings.  

It's a Missouri  number. Mom must have gotten to the hotel early,  "Hello?"

But its not Mom. Its the Director of Personnel from the Training Center.  And its my own personal miracle. 

They're seriously short on childcare personnel for the fall. Short enough that they're willing to waive the "several months" requirement. Short enough they're willing (as long as my home church agrees) to waive the support requirements altogether. 

And the family reunion was so perfect: because I could get advice, cautions and encouragement from my amazing relatives- most of whom serve in one ministry capacity or another.  And after roughly a week of prayer (35% was nowhere near enough to pay bills), and a meeting with my pastor, it was unanimous. 

I got to go.

One year, later it is amazing to look back and remember this moment, one year ago, when God did the impossible. And He has provided so amazingly. By Christmas, I was actually at 60%. The impossible. Again. Like He so often does. 

I Must Be Crazy

Sometimes I wonder how I got here. Some days I turn around, look back at my life, and think: oh my word- what have I done?!"

Not in an existential "what is the meaning of my life'" way either. This is straight up, deer in the headlights "What did I get myself into?"

You know what I mean? In a crucial moment, God spoke, and you jumped. And then you land and realize where you are. Oh. my. word.

That's sort of how I feel about the last year. Its amazing, its wonderful to be here, helping people in the farthest corners of the world meet my amazing Jesus, while doing the ministry I love. And while my eyes are firmly fixed on Jesus, I have no doubts. But somedays, I don't do so well at that. Instead of looking at things through God's perspective, I start looking at things through a "culutral expectations perspective". You know- job this, house that, married, 2.5 kids and a dog living inside a white picket fence etc. Like Peter when he tried to walk on water, taking my eyes off Jesus results in immediate sinking. Sinking into thoughts of "oh my word I must be totally insane."

Abraham felt that way once. (well, probably a lot more than once, but its recorded at least once- in Genesis 15). His nephew Lot got taken prisoner  when these five kings attacked these other four kings in Abraham's general area. So Abraham (well, he was still Abram at this point in the story) rounded up a couple of buddies and chased the armies of all five kings until he recovered all the loot and prisoners they had taken from the cities near where Lot lived.

Abram and company hauled it all back, along the way he gave a tithe of it to Melchizadeck. He then got at interesting offer from the king of Sodom (one of the sacked cities). "Give back the people and you can keep all the money." But Abram didn't take it. Not even "a thread or a shoe lace."

It was one of those moments. Those big deciding moments, where you just know what God wants and you jump and do it without thinking about it very much.

Then Abram, being human and all, starts realizing all the implications of what just happened. I think he must have been a little freaked. He had just seriously ticked off at least 5 kings in his area. Possibly all 9 depending on how offended the king of Sodom was after Abram's little speech at the end of chapter 14. That could be quite intimidating- having as many 9 kings ticked off at you. Additionally, he had just turned down the wealth of roughly 4 cities. Yikes. That's a lot of money no matter when you live.

I can't help but think that Abram must've been having one of those "I must be crazy" moments.

And I love what God says. He comes to Abram and says "Fear not, Abram, I am your shield and your very great reward."

I love that. God is security in the moment, and the prize, the goal towards which all moments (even/especially the crazy ones) are heading His children. He is the best reward. After all, every good thing comes from Him. He is the source of everything good. And knowing Him, experiencing His complete goodness day after day, well that requires obedience that yes, looks (and depending on your perspective may actually be) quite crazy.

So am I crazy? Probably. But that's so much more than okay. God is my shield, and my very great reward."

Sunshine and Dandelions

God has taught me many MANY great thing working with little ones, but one of my favorites is constant wonder.

Its easy to get used to what we see everyday. There are things we mentally acknowledge are nice without ever really taking time to notice. Stuff just sort of all blends together. Its just sort of all vaguely nice together. Though we complain when it's gone, we hardly notice things like grass, sunshine, and flowers. We don't really think about them.

Kids are different though: they're so little and they see things like its the first time. Probably because for the littler ones it really IS the first time. To them, the little things are astounding. Their little eyes bug out and their little faces light up with a smile as they bring their perspective to what I sometimes call mundane. Dandelions are better then daffodils because you can pick them. Rolling down a hill is fascinating. Wow those clouds move. And bugs ? Oh man where do you even start with bugs?Its like a never ending treasure hunt.

Which in a way, is a how God designed the world to be. A never ending treasure hunt to discover more about Him through the world and the way He made it.

Flashing back, flashing forward

I had a weird moment the other day at childcare.

When I was little, living out in the middle of nowhere in Mexico where my parents were missionaries, our neighbors (well not just our neighbors, pretty much everyone in town) made their living by growing cash crops of "questionable legality" and exporting them to places where they were decidedly illegal.

Being around 7 years old at the time, blissfully ignorant of all this, I thought nothing of it when the neighborhood kids had an idea for a great new game. We would take some grass and hide it on our bikes. Then we would ride around this little path and try not to get stopped by the other kids who were the "soldiers". If they stopped us, we had to give them rocks and then they would let us go. Needless to say my mom was less then amused when she found out about this game and it stopped very quickly. It didn't make any sense at the time, but in retrospect, its kind of funny. Sad, but funny.

So when I caught three of my kids packing grass into the gas tank of a toy car, I immediately cracked up laughing at the memory.

One my kiddos turned his great big eyes at me and said "Miss Anna what's so funny?"

I didn't know what to say. There was just so much behind that moment. Sad in some ways, and definitely weird, but wonderful too- to know that God has placed His light now in the middle of that darkness.

Which is a bit much to explain to a three year old, so I just went with "I'll tell you in twenty years, kid."

But as soon as I said it, I realized that in twenty years, I wouldn't have to explain. Because then God will have given this little one  his own weird, sad, wonderful stories of the Light shining into darkness. Oh we don't know where or who yet- but light will always conquers darkness in the end. And this little guy, and his classmates too, get the chance to see that in amazing ways.

And in sad ways.

And in weird ways- like stuffing grass into the gas tank of a car.

The Ancient Brand New Testimony

I have been so blessed the past few weeks to be going through The Stranger on the Road to Emmaus dvd/Bible study with some ladies from church. Tonight while we were watching the section on the Ark of the Covenant.
I was struck by one of the Bible verses they read where God called the ark "the Testimony." I remembered reading that several times: God calls the ark "the Testimony". Testimony means telling about what happened. What was the ark telling about? While I was pondering that, the teacher on the dvd pointed out the contents of the ark (stone tablets with the ten commandments, a gold jar of manna, and Aaron's rod that budded and made almonds) all came from one of Israel's colossal failures.

This is a screen capture from the video tonight.

The stone tablets are the replacement set because Moses broke the first set when he walked in on them worshiping the golden calf.  The jar of manna is from when the Israelites complained that God had brought them out into the desert to kill them. Aaron's rod budded because people challenged God's choice of Aaron and the Levites as priests. So all together these items symbolize:

• the tablets: rejected God's way of living
• the manna: rejected God's provision
• the rod: rejection of God's authority

So that's the testimony. That they had rejected God in every way. Ouch. 

But here's the cool part: 

On top of the ark is a lid, call the "Atonement Cover" or the "Mercy Seat"

God covered the total and thorough rejection of Him with His mercy. And not just that-  but on that place of mercy, blood was offered every  year, to cover the sins of the people. Blood of sacrifice that had been given to God. Meaning the blood that belonged to God, and because of His mercy, it covered the people's total rejection of God. 

How cool is that?!?!?! 

No wonder God calls it the Testimony. Its still the testimony of today. My testimony: that I had completely thoroughly rejected God, and in His great mercy, He covered my rejection, my sin, with His blood. 

Lucky- Blessed- Me

 My class is absolutely the cutest!

 

 

Christmas with the kiddos

Christmas with the kiddos: we decorated the tree (over and over and over)

We made lots of Christmas decorations for our tree, and cards to send to other people.

We even had a party with little presents. 

And did a Christmas program for our parents

Such adorable little Christmas elves :) 

God and Peppermint Mocha

Sometimes I treat God like Peppermint Mocha Creamer.

Sugar Free Peppermint Mocha creamer is my absolute favorite. I buy it as soon as it comes out in the fall and drink basically nothing else with my coffee until it goes away around.... well... around now. I'll miss it for a while, but eventually I will forget about it.  Well not exactly forget- but I stop checking the shelf for it whenever I need creamer, and after a while, I forget just how good it is, and I'm fine using other kinds, because, hey, they're pretty good too, right?

I think I do that to God too- but way more often. He shows me how good He is to me and I'm blown away... for a while. When I stop paying attention- looking for the everyday evidence of His love, and then I forget how good He really is, so I start to use other stuff, and begin to think, "They're nearly as good right?" Shopping, TV, movies, food. Whatever.  Basically just as good when I'm sad or lonely or stressed, right? False.

But, oh, when He calls me back again, and reminds me again of how good He really is! Its mind blowing. It so clearly beats all competition! Its- well- its like the best first sip of peppermint mocha ever.