How to Follow While Standing Still

I love finishing a journal. Seeing all the pages filled up with stories and thoughts- it's extremely satisfying. The last few years I have majorly slacked on journaling and only recently took it faithfully up again. Consequently, the journal I finished last night was started just over two years ago!

The weird part, though, was that when I did the "flip back to the beginning" thing that I always do when I finish a journal, I saw that almost nothing has changed. I'm still doing the same thing, in the same place, with many of the same people. I mean, okay so I moved about a hundred yards away to a different apartment, and I have a dog now, but other than that, things are basically the same as they were two years ago. I cannot begin to explain to you  how weird that is.

My life just doesn't stay the same that long. Ever.  I have moved something like 24 times since junior high. In the past 6 years alone I have lived 8 different places in two different places half way across the country from each other. My life has been in a mild (and sometimes not so mild) state of upheaval for as long as I can remember. Stability is an odd new reality.

Not that I'm complaining, necessarily. I've always wanted to give the whole living-in-one-place-and knowing-the-same-people-for-a-long-time thing a try. It's nice. I like it. I  know where all the grocery stores are, and which thrift store I should go to for what. I know when to look forward to a festival or event, and when to stay completely out of town because the tourists are going to be crazy. I've been blessed to be part of the same wonderful church since I moved here and am so so thankful for the friendships God's blessed me with there. I know what to expect from the seasons here now (well, as well as you can with Missouri's schizophrenic weather). And taxes are SO much easier when they only involve one state.

But... it's weird too. I've had to find a new hobby- what do I do when I actually finish setting up and decorating a house? Never lived somewhere long enough to have to find out before. In a lot of ways, this whole one-place-thing is a big learning curve. I'm having to learn to rest differently, to anticipate differently. I'm having to learn how to deal with issues in relationships rather than just ignore them because I'm leaving soon, so it won't matter anyway. And I have to walk with Jesus differently.
You see, God has always been the stable thing. For years He was the ONLY stable thing in my life, and I clung to Him, like a storm-tossed ship to its anchor.  I learned Him better and loved Him more as He proved all kinds of faithful and loving and permanent. But... when the sea is calm... what does a ship do with its anchor?

So its time to learn. I'm learning that God is not only the same, He's new too. There is much more of Him to discover than I have so far. Not only that, but now there are ways he wants me to learn and grow by standing still.  Just because life isn't changing, doesn't mean I should stay the same. God is more than just an anchor, and I'm excited to learn how to follow Jesus standing still.

7 reasons to introduce radioactive spiders into preschool

 I am way more into superheros than I was 7 years ago when I started working preschool. I could blame it on certain friends (cough - Jake and Brad). I could blame it on having to settle disputes between the 4 yr old boys about the difference between superman and spiderman. But also, I have developed a very healthy respect (and yes,  a little jealousy)  for their abilities. So for your amusement (hopefully)- here are 7 reasons (one for each year) that I think teachers should be given the opportunity to be bitten by a radioactive spider (dropped in a vat of toxic waste- whatever)


7.  Precognition  When I first started teaching, my boss told me one of the key skills I would need to learn ASAP was to tell before things started to go down hill that they were going to go down hill. I remember thinking that being psychic had not been covered in college, and that she was crazy to think this was possible. It turns out she wasn't crazy.  But I still wouldn't say no to spidey senses.

6. Super hearing I think it would be incredibly handy to be able to tell, from the far side of the playground, which of your 10-15 kiddos is crying, and what kind of cry it is. I know moms have  a sort of super sensitive radar for this with their own kids. But for those of us who aren't moms.... educated guesses are the best we've got without super hearing.

5. Super speed- I will give you just one of the many for instances of this.  Kid tries to flip over half way down the slide. You shout for them to stop, but even as you start towards the slide,  you know its too late. There is a lot of crying and boo-boos (or spilled cups, or wet pants, or scraped knees) that could all have been prevented by one little burst of super speed.

4. Wall Climbing.  Can't reach the toy the really tall teacher stashed on the closet? Solved! kid got too high on the climber and is stuck in an awkward hard to reach place? No problem. And  in Febuary when the kids are climbing the walls because they've been stuck inside for 6 straight weeks, this way you could join them.

3. Telekinesis. the ability to move the Bible lesson off your desk and across the room to circle time without interrupting the Jesus ABC song  to go get it.  Need I say more?

2. Super Strength. Curriculum books are HEAVY to lug back and forth. Teacher bags are HEAVY. Wagons full of kids are HEAVY. Super strength would = awesome

1. Telepathy. Oh to be able to hear what's going on in their little minds some times. To be able to tell why they're sad, angry, laughing histerically. What song they're trying to describe when they keep saying "THAT one!!!"

God has not chosen to send any radioactive spiders my way. As usual, God prefers to use the ordinary. By relying (really heavily) on Him-  my very ordinary self can show off His extraordinary super powers . Thouh I admit I don't have scripture to back up the wall climbing one.  :)

"We have this treasure in jars of clay, that the surpassing greatness of power may be of God and not of ourselves."  2 Corinthians 4:7

Book Blessings

When I first started teaching the preschool at MTC- I was immediately impressed with the room's resources. Art, Math, language, fine motor- we had excellent toys and tools for all of them. But being the avid bookworm that I am (and attempt to brainwash all my kiddos into being) it didn't take me long to realize there weren't very many books. Just one smallish shelf.  Some very obvious classics were missing, for instance-  The Cat in the Hat. Don't worry- that got added in a hurry. But there were others that were harder to track down. Whenever I went to a thrift store I would scour their childrens book section. Over time I realized what we needed were not more books in general, but specific books about specific things. There were a few topics -like moving and new babies and dealing with loss and change, that were conspicuously absent. These kids will deal with those things on a regular basis, and the books can provide a good talking point for how they are dealing, and can deal with those things. And of course, we needed a few books about dragons and dinosaurs to suck some of the boys more into reading :) So I made  a mental (and eventually physical) list of books I hoped would help meet some of those particular needs. But two years of thrift store hunting produced less than a third of the the list.

This spring, God started nudging me to do something I am far too loathe to do. Ask for help. So after hemming and hawing as long as possible (why do I do that?), I attached the list to a prayer letter, saying if anybody had any of the books they would like to donate, they would be very gratefully accepted. I was nervous. I hoped SO much I wouldn't sound incredibly greedy (it was sort of a long list- over thirty books). And quite honestly, I didn't really expect much of a response. Maybe- MAYBE  3-5 books total from it. But hey- 3-5 of those books would still be a help.

Well as you may have guessed. from the huge stack in the picture- God provided WAY more than 5. Some sweet, sweet ladies in several different places got totally excited about the project and between them bought nearly the ENTIRE LIST.  And two extra boxes of books that I would never have thought to ask for but the kids are loving. In the pic above you can see them holding up a few of their  new favorites.. Thank you so much for the help! It was a huge blessing to me to see new people excited about helping the families here!

And the kids are LOVE reading the new books. Very nearly as much as me :)

When God Says "No"

"No, don't eat those, buddy!"

Working with preschoolers, I end up saying "no" a lot.

Sometimes it's things you might expect (If I had a nickel for every time I say "No, don't put that in your mouth"...).

Sometimes its a little weird - "No, don't eat your foot, buddy. That's gross."

Sometimes it's downright hilarious. To date  the best one is "No- we don't hit our friends over the head with a lawnmower!" Don't worry- it was plastic, and no one was seriously injured. Except I might have cracked a rib trying not to laugh because that really just came out of my mouth.

But regardless of the subject matter "no" is never a popular answer with the kiddos. And I can understand that. I mean, are grown-ups really any better? Oh we make it sound nicer. But are we really, truly, any better at hearing "no" ?

A couple summers ago, on a sticky, starry August night, I was sitting on the church curb with a friend. All summer I'd been praying desperately for God to bring in the support I needed, and this sweet new believer had prayed right along with me. But this night it was clear: the support was not coming, and it wouldn't be coming for a long time. "Wow," she said, "What do you do when you pray so hard for something good, and God says no?"

It's a profound question. Like many profound questions, it boils down to a simple choice between two views of God. #1 God is mean and picky - I must not have prayed right or He must be mad at me or He doesn't really love me, or , or or. #2 God is who and what He says He is: good and wise and sovereign and loving- even when I didn't get what I wanted.

After all, getting what you want is not necessarily a good thing.

Like in the garden of Eden. Adam and Eve really wanted the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  But if you stop and think about it.... didn't they already know about good? They lived in a perfect garden, had perfect relationships and God literally walked with them every day. Surely, if ever two humans have had a knowledge of good, it was Adam and Eve. But they wanted more: they wanted to decide for themselves what was good, and what was evil. They decided God was being unreasonable and so, they ate to gain, not just knowledge of good, but knowledge of evil.  Oh boy, did they get what they wanted. Thousands of years later, Adam's children are still discovering new breadths and depths of evil.

Like Adam and Eve, I can ignore the loving wisdom of God's "no". It's tempting, SO tempting to ignore God's no and pursue that job, that guy, that money, or that place. Either by a horrible attitude, or by taking matters into my own hands I can try to get to what I want. Sometimes God lets me get around His roadblocks and get what I want. CS Lewis put it this way- "But those who steal, or those who climb (the) wall, shall find their heart's desire, and find despair."

I have prayed for many, many things. And many times, God has graciously given me what I asked for. Even above and beyond. But I have become convinced that God's love and wisdom are rarely so evident as when He says, "No."

One Year Later: Remembering

Memorial Day weekend. 

I was in Philadelphia, nearly a year into Partnership Development. Things were going.... slowly; and it was more than a little discouraging. 

You see, there's a rule that stateside staff with NTM is supposed to be at 60% before they can come on staff. And you have to hold steady at 60% before it will be considered official. It makes sense, but being at only 35% in May meant that I wasn't going to be able to return and teach the kiddos at the missionary training center in the fall. Again. 

On top of that, we had a family reunion. In Branson, Missouri- SO close to the training center.  And Memorial day weekend was graduation weekend - the last of the kiddos I had taught were graduating and leaving, and I wouldn't get to see them again. So even though I was excited for the family reunion (we only all can get together approximately every 10 years), I was totally dreading the weekend. My community group at church was praying extra for my contentment to survive going so close, and yet being so far from the ministry God had laid on my heart. Well, either contentment or my own person miracle- getting to go back after all. But even with that I couldn't help feeling, this weekend is going to suck. 

Friday morning. My sister's at work. 30 minutes till I need to pick her up to leave. I'm packing the minute stuff and praying like crazy to be able to focus on the positive when my phone rings.  

It's a Missouri  number. Mom must have gotten to the hotel early,  "Hello?"

But its not Mom. Its the Director of Personnel from the Training Center.  And its my own personal miracle. 

They're seriously short on childcare personnel for the fall. Short enough that they're willing to waive the "several months" requirement. Short enough they're willing (as long as my home church agrees) to waive the support requirements altogether. 

And the family reunion was so perfect: because I could get advice, cautions and encouragement from my amazing relatives- most of whom serve in one ministry capacity or another.  And after roughly a week of prayer (35% was nowhere near enough to pay bills), and a meeting with my pastor, it was unanimous. 

I got to go.

One year, later it is amazing to look back and remember this moment, one year ago, when God did the impossible. And He has provided so amazingly. By Christmas, I was actually at 60%. The impossible. Again. Like He so often does. 

I Must Be Crazy

Sometimes I wonder how I got here. Some days I turn around, look back at my life, and think: oh my word- what have I done?!"

Not in an existential "what is the meaning of my life'" way either. This is straight up, deer in the headlights "What did I get myself into?"

You know what I mean? In a crucial moment, God spoke, and you jumped. And then you land and realize where you are. Oh. my. word.

That's sort of how I feel about the last year. Its amazing, its wonderful to be here, helping people in the farthest corners of the world meet my amazing Jesus, while doing the ministry I love. And while my eyes are firmly fixed on Jesus, I have no doubts. But somedays, I don't do so well at that. Instead of looking at things through God's perspective, I start looking at things through a "culutral expectations perspective". You know- job this, house that, married, 2.5 kids and a dog living inside a white picket fence etc. Like Peter when he tried to walk on water, taking my eyes off Jesus results in immediate sinking. Sinking into thoughts of "oh my word I must be totally insane."

Abraham felt that way once. (well, probably a lot more than once, but its recorded at least once- in Genesis 15). His nephew Lot got taken prisoner  when these five kings attacked these other four kings in Abraham's general area. So Abraham (well, he was still Abram at this point in the story) rounded up a couple of buddies and chased the armies of all five kings until he recovered all the loot and prisoners they had taken from the cities near where Lot lived.

Abram and company hauled it all back, along the way he gave a tithe of it to Melchizadeck. He then got at interesting offer from the king of Sodom (one of the sacked cities). "Give back the people and you can keep all the money." But Abram didn't take it. Not even "a thread or a shoe lace."

It was one of those moments. Those big deciding moments, where you just know what God wants and you jump and do it without thinking about it very much.

Then Abram, being human and all, starts realizing all the implications of what just happened. I think he must have been a little freaked. He had just seriously ticked off at least 5 kings in his area. Possibly all 9 depending on how offended the king of Sodom was after Abram's little speech at the end of chapter 14. That could be quite intimidating- having as many 9 kings ticked off at you. Additionally, he had just turned down the wealth of roughly 4 cities. Yikes. That's a lot of money no matter when you live.

I can't help but think that Abram must've been having one of those "I must be crazy" moments.

And I love what God says. He comes to Abram and says "Fear not, Abram, I am your shield and your very great reward."

I love that. God is security in the moment, and the prize, the goal towards which all moments (even/especially the crazy ones) are heading His children. He is the best reward. After all, every good thing comes from Him. He is the source of everything good. And knowing Him, experiencing His complete goodness day after day, well that requires obedience that yes, looks (and depending on your perspective may actually be) quite crazy.

So am I crazy? Probably. But that's so much more than okay. God is my shield, and my very great reward."

Sunshine and Dandelions

God has taught me many MANY great thing working with little ones, but one of my favorites is constant wonder.

Its easy to get used to what we see everyday. There are things we mentally acknowledge are nice without ever really taking time to notice. Stuff just sort of all blends together. Its just sort of all vaguely nice together. Though we complain when it's gone, we hardly notice things like grass, sunshine, and flowers. We don't really think about them.

Kids are different though: they're so little and they see things like its the first time. Probably because for the littler ones it really IS the first time. To them, the little things are astounding. Their little eyes bug out and their little faces light up with a smile as they bring their perspective to what I sometimes call mundane. Dandelions are better then daffodils because you can pick them. Rolling down a hill is fascinating. Wow those clouds move. And bugs ? Oh man where do you even start with bugs?Its like a never ending treasure hunt.

Which in a way, is a how God designed the world to be. A never ending treasure hunt to discover more about Him through the world and the way He made it.