One Year Later: Remembering

Memorial Day weekend. 

I was in Philadelphia, nearly a year into Partnership Development. Things were going.... slowly; and it was more than a little discouraging. 

You see, there's a rule that stateside staff with NTM is supposed to be at 60% before they can come on staff. And you have to hold steady at 60% before it will be considered official. It makes sense, but being at only 35% in May meant that I wasn't going to be able to return and teach the kiddos at the missionary training center in the fall. Again. 

On top of that, we had a family reunion. In Branson, Missouri- SO close to the training center.  And Memorial day weekend was graduation weekend - the last of the kiddos I had taught were graduating and leaving, and I wouldn't get to see them again. So even though I was excited for the family reunion (we only all can get together approximately every 10 years), I was totally dreading the weekend. My community group at church was praying extra for my contentment to survive going so close, and yet being so far from the ministry God had laid on my heart. Well, either contentment or my own person miracle- getting to go back after all. But even with that I couldn't help feeling, this weekend is going to suck. 

Friday morning. My sister's at work. 30 minutes till I need to pick her up to leave. I'm packing the minute stuff and praying like crazy to be able to focus on the positive when my phone rings.  

It's a Missouri  number. Mom must have gotten to the hotel early,  "Hello?"

But its not Mom. Its the Director of Personnel from the Training Center.  And its my own personal miracle. 

They're seriously short on childcare personnel for the fall. Short enough that they're willing to waive the "several months" requirement. Short enough they're willing (as long as my home church agrees) to waive the support requirements altogether. 

And the family reunion was so perfect: because I could get advice, cautions and encouragement from my amazing relatives- most of whom serve in one ministry capacity or another.  And after roughly a week of prayer (35% was nowhere near enough to pay bills), and a meeting with my pastor, it was unanimous. 

I got to go.

One year, later it is amazing to look back and remember this moment, one year ago, when God did the impossible. And He has provided so amazingly. By Christmas, I was actually at 60%. The impossible. Again. Like He so often does. 

I Must Be Crazy

Sometimes I wonder how I got here. Some days I turn around, look back at my life, and think: oh my word- what have I done?!"

Not in an existential "what is the meaning of my life'" way either. This is straight up, deer in the headlights "What did I get myself into?"

You know what I mean? In a crucial moment, God spoke, and you jumped. And then you land and realize where you are. Oh. my. word.

That's sort of how I feel about the last year. Its amazing, its wonderful to be here, helping people in the farthest corners of the world meet my amazing Jesus, while doing the ministry I love. And while my eyes are firmly fixed on Jesus, I have no doubts. But somedays, I don't do so well at that. Instead of looking at things through God's perspective, I start looking at things through a "culutral expectations perspective". You know- job this, house that, married, 2.5 kids and a dog living inside a white picket fence etc. Like Peter when he tried to walk on water, taking my eyes off Jesus results in immediate sinking. Sinking into thoughts of "oh my word I must be totally insane."

Abraham felt that way once. (well, probably a lot more than once, but its recorded at least once- in Genesis 15). His nephew Lot got taken prisoner  when these five kings attacked these other four kings in Abraham's general area. So Abraham (well, he was still Abram at this point in the story) rounded up a couple of buddies and chased the armies of all five kings until he recovered all the loot and prisoners they had taken from the cities near where Lot lived.

Abram and company hauled it all back, along the way he gave a tithe of it to Melchizadeck. He then got at interesting offer from the king of Sodom (one of the sacked cities). "Give back the people and you can keep all the money." But Abram didn't take it. Not even "a thread or a shoe lace."

It was one of those moments. Those big deciding moments, where you just know what God wants and you jump and do it without thinking about it very much.

Then Abram, being human and all, starts realizing all the implications of what just happened. I think he must have been a little freaked. He had just seriously ticked off at least 5 kings in his area. Possibly all 9 depending on how offended the king of Sodom was after Abram's little speech at the end of chapter 14. That could be quite intimidating- having as many 9 kings ticked off at you. Additionally, he had just turned down the wealth of roughly 4 cities. Yikes. That's a lot of money no matter when you live.

I can't help but think that Abram must've been having one of those "I must be crazy" moments.

And I love what God says. He comes to Abram and says "Fear not, Abram, I am your shield and your very great reward."

I love that. God is security in the moment, and the prize, the goal towards which all moments (even/especially the crazy ones) are heading His children. He is the best reward. After all, every good thing comes from Him. He is the source of everything good. And knowing Him, experiencing His complete goodness day after day, well that requires obedience that yes, looks (and depending on your perspective may actually be) quite crazy.

So am I crazy? Probably. But that's so much more than okay. God is my shield, and my very great reward."

Sunshine and Dandelions

God has taught me many MANY great thing working with little ones, but one of my favorites is constant wonder.

Its easy to get used to what we see everyday. There are things we mentally acknowledge are nice without ever really taking time to notice. Stuff just sort of all blends together. Its just sort of all vaguely nice together. Though we complain when it's gone, we hardly notice things like grass, sunshine, and flowers. We don't really think about them.

Kids are different though: they're so little and they see things like its the first time. Probably because for the littler ones it really IS the first time. To them, the little things are astounding. Their little eyes bug out and their little faces light up with a smile as they bring their perspective to what I sometimes call mundane. Dandelions are better then daffodils because you can pick them. Rolling down a hill is fascinating. Wow those clouds move. And bugs ? Oh man where do you even start with bugs?Its like a never ending treasure hunt.

Which in a way, is a how God designed the world to be. A never ending treasure hunt to discover more about Him through the world and the way He made it.